Thunderstuck: The Story of Neji Hyuuga
by recodan
Summary: Now with ten percent fruit juice!


Neji was awake.

Neither Guy nor Lee were jumping up and down on his bed.

This was a good start of the day.

The thirteen year old Hyuuga genius rolled out of bed with a yawn. That was a good start to his day. He suffered indignities from the spandex duo quite often, and it was always wonderful to be able to get to Hinata and Hanabi's daily 'torture the branch family' routine without getting a youth sermon.

His bladder felt uncomfortably full, so Neji walked to his bathroom. His room was well kept and bathroom clean, just they way he liked it. He unbuttoned his boxer shorts and lifted up the toilet seat.

" Yosh!" shouted Lee as he rose from the toilet. " Neji, you will never believe what just happened!"

That was a understatement. The Hyuuga genius was only able to stand there, dumbfounded, as his bladder emptied.

" Guy-sensei and I were inspecting your plumbing when we found a magical kingdom of dwarves! You must come and see them!" shouted Lee. He flushed the toilet, spinning as he vanished into the pipes.

Neji fell backwards onto his butt, quivering with terror. _No. No no no no. This isn't happening. There is not magical kingdom of dwarves in my toilet. Hinata must have put LSD in my cereal or something, and I'm tripping. _

" Neji!" shouted Hinata, barging in. " Your late for your abuse!"

" Let's give him a swirlie!" said Hanabi, racing in. Before he could react the girls had stuffed his head into the toilet and flushed it. He was sucked into it head first, vanishing before their eyes.

"…"

" Let's look at his dirty magazines!" said Hanabi, throwing her hands into the air.

" Oooh! I think he got the new Kunochi Gone Feral video!" said Hinata, racing to his computer.

Meanwhile, Neji had discovered a truly horrifying fact.

There _was_ a magical dwarves kingdom in his toilet.

" Ah, here he is!" said Guy, hauling Neji to his feet.

" Yar!" said a short, smelly bearded man, walking over. " Your Neji?"

" Yes." was all he could say.

" The king sends a message to you. Please increase the fiber in your diet. Your last few fecal offerings were unsatisfactory."

" I will. Guy, what is going on?" said Neji, turning to his teacher.

" What indeed!" said Guy and he and Lee grabbed Neji by both arms and began to march him towards a door. " In you go!" said Guy, shoving the door open and tossing Neji though.

" What the hell?!" shouted Neji as he found himself falling. After a moment he felt himself land on something soft. " This…is a dream.' said Neji, sitting up.

" It is not!" said Tenten, walking out of the darkness. She was wearing a bikini top and chain mail pants. " Welcome to the danger zone!"

That was not a good thing to hear.

" What is going on?" asked Neji, standing up. He was only wearing his white, standard issue Hyuuga boxers, which he quickly rebut toned.

" Your destiny has come for you!" said Tenten, point up. Neji looked up, but found nothing. Suddenly, he felt his hands being tied up and he was hoisted upwards. He looked down. He was now behind suspended in the air, Tenten was gone, and a paintbrush and a bucket of oil had appeared. Sasuke Uchiha stepped out of the oil and picked up the painbrush, then proceeded to brush the oil over Neji's body.

" Explain. Now." said Neji, losing patience.

" Hell if I know." said Sasuke, sounding bored.

" Why are you putting oil on me?" asked Neji.

" The master requested it." said Sasuke, continuing.

" …"

" This master….want's me slick and pliable? Why?"

" It conducts the electricity better." said Sasuke.

" Not a good answer, but it could have been worse." said Neji, wincing.

" And it makes you easier to rectally violate."

" That's what I was afraid of." said Neji. " Can you get me down from here?"

" For a ryou."

" My wallets in my pants." said Neji, sweat dropping.

" I keep mine up my butt, along with a bo staff." said Sasuke, putting the brush down and walking to the bucket. He stuck his head in and stood their motionlessly.

" Sasuke?"

"…"

" Fine." sighed Neji. He performed his spinning jutsu and cut the ropes, landing on the ground. With a little trouble, because he was so slick from the oil, he stood up.

He took one step and knocked himself out on the bo staff protruding from Sasuke's butt.

When Neji came to, he found himself sitting in a beautiful meadow field. The sky was blue, the flowers were in bloom, and Naruto was riding towards him on a horse, wearing a giant letter N.

" I guess that makes sense." said Neji, looking at Naruto's costume.

" For the empire! " shouted Naruto, not slowing down. He continued to ride away, laughing merrily.

Neji, not knowing what to do, continued to walk onwards. After a while he came across hole in the space/time continium.

Out of sheer morbid curiosity he entered it.

" BALRG!"

Iruka suddenly vomited up Neji. Now, stretchy as Iruka's head was, it couldn't handle that. He passed out, leaving the Hyuuga alone in a class full of students.

" What was that?" asked a little girl with pointy red hair.

" I do not know." said Neji awkwardly.

" Are you a girl?"

" No."

" Are you sure?

" Yes."

" Then why are you so pretty?"

" Because I am. Quit asking questions."

" Since you knocked out sensei, will you finish teaching sex ed?"

" No."

" Then what do we do?"

" ….practice?" said Neji. He'd always done training when the teachers were done.

" Yaaaayyyy!" cheered the students, stripping down as a bass soundtrack began to play. Neji couldn't leave fast enough._ I didn't mean that._ he thought as he made his way home.

And that, my friends, is the story of why Neji switched from Captain Crunch to Wheaties.


End file.
